Jealousy

Anger, clenching fists, stomach sick, mind racing, adrenaline response.

Picture her with him, symptoms worse.

Picture her in bed with him, with anybody else, mind explodes, cannot process, protection fault at memory address 0x00shelovesme, do you wish to send an error report to Microsoft to report this problem?

No, I’m an adult, I can handle this, I can deal, I can take a deep breath and continue with life.

No.

Pick up homework book, look at it, put it down, stare at table, blue screen of death, this operating system is no longer functioning would you like to reboot?

Rebooting…pick up book. Grade.  Put with finished books…all zero of them. Stand up. Pace. Snap back to reality. Grade one more book. Put with other one.  Only 100 to go, give or take.  Stare into space.  Stand up. Pace. Snap back to reality.  What am I doing? I don’t remember standing up.  How do I deal with this?

Medicine, protein shake, maybe mood stabilizer will help.  Nap will probably help more, but don’t have time, too much to do, too much to do, too much nervous energy, must tire self out.

Typing.  Typing.  Typing.  Feelings printed in 1s and 0s, uploaded for all to read.  Will the venting be enough?  No.  But it might help.

Crucifixion, feel the nails through palms and feet, no crown of thorns for I am not suffering for the sins of the world but only for my own and hers and his.

Sweating still from running, must go for another one before I go to work, must be calm at work, must not yell at kids, must not lose temper, must be calm calm calm calm calm calm this may not work it’s not going to be a good day I can feel it I don’t even process what my fingers are writing right now I’m just letting the words flow out through my fingers like my cousin suggested, but I still can’t stop myself from going back and fixing the spelling mistakes because I can’t stand posting things for others to read that are not good so I don’t write much because it takes me eons to finish just one piece because I have to polish it until it’s finished so the best things I right are muse-inspired whole thoughts springing to mind whole in one piece that need no polishing to make look right although this piece is an exception because I don’t want to polish it because this stream of conciousness is helping take my mind off of what I don’t want to think about because it’s taking a lot of effort to remove myself and my worries and cares from interfering with the flow between my souls and my fingers and my fingers are starting to hurt because I’m typing too fast and I don’t know how I can keep going like this without and punctuation but thoughts don’t have punctuation so I don’t think there needs to be any here.

Except for that one.  And that one there.  Oh, and there’s another one! Two, in fact.  Stream of consciousness now becoming river can’t stop the flow the hard rock playing on my computer gives me the energy to keep pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing until worries and cares are pushed away, eyelids feeling heavy, nervous energy dispersed, maybe I’ll take that nap now after all.

Hibernating….You may now shut off your computer.

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5 Responses to “Jealousy”

  1. Cousin Says:

    It’s like going past the rest stop on the bicycle
    A prisoner of your own momentum,

    Stop! Breathe!
    Anger lives on the surface of what?
    Busyness lives on the surface of what?

    Accept what’s being hidden.

    Accept freedom.

  2. Bobbie Says:

    I have found that the pain of losing a love is like the pain of giving birth…you remember that you HAD the pain; you just can’t feel the actual pain any more. Time is a wondrous thing; and, the more you fill up the voids in your life with OTHER THINGS, you come to a realization, finally, that you are actually coping…that is, living…and doing it well.

    Keep up the beautiful writing. In fact, the writings could very well make for a wonderful memoir, publishable. How about “My Life in Taiwan”???

  3. Bijiaku Says:

    If this is what it sounds like, I’ve got a zero-tolerance policy on it. I’ve met a lot of girls who consider the definition of a “platonic friend” to be whatever they want it to be at any given time, regardless of either reality or anyone else’s feelings. Whether or not they fool themselves too is an interesting philosophical discussion, but to us it really doesn’t matter. The result is the same.

    We’ve only got a limited amount of time alive. I can always make more money, but spending time on one person when it should be going towards finding someone better is infuriating. I’d like to knock anger, but in the short term nothing helps ensure a solid ending to a bad relationship like being really, really ticked off. >:)

  4. Goldberg Says:

    Late and irrelevant entry: Anger is the way I cover over hurt and fear. What is it for you? Jealousy is one of my responses to rediscovering that I am not in total control of the world. What is it for you?

    Huh?

  5. taiwanben Says:

    I think anger always has its roots in hurt and fear. I don’t think of it as a “cover”, though. It springs from it and becomes it’s own thing, pushing you towards actions which mere hurt and fear might not imply. Jealousy is only a response to discovering that someone else may take something I hold dear. So yes, it is one of my responses to rediscovering that I am not in total control of the world. But usually I am able to take that rediscovery in mostly even temper, because I’ve pretty much assimilated that there are only a limited number of things I have control over. It seems to be only in matters of personal attachment that I feel jealousy. Is this unusual?

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